Tuesday, 10 June 2014

I’ve formed a political party


Since multiparty potpourri’s introduced in the hunk and every smart guy’s forming a party, I too have to have one. I too will make sure that my kitegemezi aka Juno and memsahib are ridding over my popularity and run for ulaji under the banner of my party. Now that I've formed my political party, chances are:  I’m going to square it with CCM just any soon. With its zilch performance and victimizing opposing parties, I’m sure. I've to lambaste them shall they go on doing their higgledy piggledy stuff.
I know. Those who don’t know how the science of politics and political gimmicks make smart people rich will think I’m confused. Why founding another new party while there are a lot of parties? They’ll ask. The answer is simple. Since politics became a lucrative business, all smart guys need to either have their political parties or religious companies to see to it that they get subsidies aka mshiko. You gloss over everything and get your cut. Being a guru, I know how to traverse this gool.
To know what I mean, just look at stinking paupers of yesterday before becoming preachers of lies whether in the name of God or in the name of Democracy. They’re disgustingly poor yesterday. Today they’re but filthy rich. Ask them how they minted and printed dosh. The answer is simple. They used their outfits to access either your tax or offerings especially the dosh of those who still believe that God’s a pauper so as to need their dough.
Being smart and who I am, I decided to form my party Ugali Nyama and Maharagwe (UNM). Why UNM? First of all, I found that poor people who are the majority of voters and tax payers think about ugali almost every second. To them ugali is everything and anything from food to life in general. Therefore, to entice and convince them that I’m their savior whom the seers predicted, I must use the parlance they’re conversant with.  Why nyama (meat)? Poor people don’t eat meat quite often. Thus, when you promise them meat given that they vote you, they’ll believe you. I copied this science of promising all what paupers want to hear from one scientist by the name Jake Mrish Kiquette. In the country of Danganyika where he ruled for over twenty years, Jake promised the Danganyikans that he’d change their lives from bad to better though he ended turning tables on them. He got away with it while they bit the bullet and the match was over.
Why Maharagwe (beans)?  Given that paupers aspire to eat meat, they don’t forget beans. So to asure paupers that you’re not the guy that forgets his origin, you need to keep beans in the big picture. I thought of calling my party ULAJI (United League Against Jobless and Instability). I even tried CCM namely Congress of Conservative Mandarins.
Do you think that those politicos you see criss-crossing the hunk helping the paupers, say, to build houses or by just mingling and rubbing shoulders with them are doing it sincerely?  You can take this to the bank. They’re fooling the goof-offs of the hunk so as to get away with it. Didn't you see some of swindlers pretending to board a God-forsaken train or Kigamboni ferry to make paupers believe that they are like them?
A good thing about our politics is that when you get enough votes to enable you to become their leader, you cease to be accountable for whatever you do or said in the campaigns. You get away with it and the paupers can’t do anything about it. You become akin to an angel even more for you’re always surrounded by bodyguards with all power fire power.  In Swahili they say unawaacha solemba namely you leave them screwed up. When they start remind you of your empty promises, you just tell them: screw you! At such moment of truth they find themselves duped. For, if they try to create hardships for your administration you just dispatch police with their canisters, clubs and water cannons to teach them a lesson. By that time you don’t even rub shoulders with them the same way you used to during the campaigns. By then you’re like them. But now you are mtukufu that should n’t mingle with poor earthlings. Prior you’d no power. Now you've it under your disposal.
Another logical reason why I formed my UNM is that if I fail to capture the seat of power, at least I’ll be able to get some ruzuku from the coffers and spend it the way I like. So too, I’ll use this opportunity to tour the hunk and enjoy all beauties politicos enjoy.
May I digress and recant what I've averred? I've just written for fun so take me not seriously.  Why forming a part while I can go to Mjengo in Dom in the Constituent Assembly and mint and print dosh without doing anything? I don’t expect any trouble in the paradise where parasites enjoy more than those who feed them.
Source: Guardian June 2014.

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