Congratulations Bob Mugabe!

Dear Bob Gabriel Mugabe,

I humbly seek to extend my congratulations on your victory over "foes" of our liberation. I know in the first genuine election you’re thrown over. Many goofed. They thought you’d go under or find yourself up a gum tree. I adore your courage.

We in the country of Tanzia (Obituary) are fully behind you. We feel honored to have you back as the custodian of democracy and peace that despoilers call demon-crazy and tiff. Being the guy that came to power by the same means as yours and an old man like you, I’d take this opportunity to urge you to stay put to see to it that black colonialists are not taking Zimbabwe.

You’ve ushered development in. Your economy is shriving. Your currency is among the best of the world thanks for your noble programs.We now have the bill of 50,000,000. No country on earth has ever attained this. Democracy in Zimbabwe is second to none thanks for the beatings and humiliation you dished out to those who think democracy is to vote for anybody they deem fit.

To congratulate yourself and your family, you need to build a new mammoth state house you will call after your beloved wife, Grace you took from Fl. Lt. Guririza. Make sure she establishes an NGO for making money for the family. She can disguise as fighting for unprivileged women or kids and such. Even your friends Yoweri Museveni, Paulo Kagame, Mwai Kibaki, Jakaya Kikwete, Theodoro Obiang Nguema, Dennis Sassou Ngweso, Omar El Bashir, Idriss Derby, Hossin Mubarak,Yahaya Jammeh, Foule Gnassingbe, Joseph Kabila, Meles Zenawi, Omar Bongo and Aman Karume are overdelighted and plead to emulate you. Your best friend Thabo Mbeki the shake and mover that enabled all this is over-elated to note this success and victory.

One thing Mr. President, those talking through their hats that you rigged the elections seem to miss a point. Don’t they know that God created one person in every country to rule? You are this promised messiah in Zimbabwe just like the above partners in their countries. Another thing people do not know is the fact that Zimbabwe is your private estate. You can use it as you please even with impunity and monstrosity!

They think when Zimbabweans go with empty stomachs you too do. Don’t they know how Zimbabweans love you? They are ready to go without food even being killed to see to it that you win. Now that you’ve triumphed, make sure that you die in office. No honour on earth can be in parity with this.

Your Excellency, those who do not know how rough politics are think you’re the only one that rigged elections as they said. Don’t they know that this is an order of the day in Africa? Those doubting this should ask the gentlemen above how they got and remained in power. Without doing things your way, how can a person get to power if delivering is difficult?

If they happen to know the trick, you unleash the army to devour them. If anything, this is what true democracy entails. True democracy must be nourished by the blood of innocent people and taxpayers’ money.Their money (yours actually) serves to ensure you die in power. Dish it out even if they complain that it’s a rip-off. Give the army everything then tell them to do everything in your favour. Believe me. You catch many flies with honey than vinegar. This works effectively especially in the already screwed up economy.

In Tanzia, we’ve made sure that all soldiers and police have our party’s cards; and they actually are good party cadres-cum-topspins. From now on, introduce this democratic aspect in your country. Also, make sure you form ghost companies by which you will scoop money from the treasury using the party camouflage. We did this and results were tremendous. When the opposition brought our mess to the agora, we sacrificed our premier. Yeah. Better the death of one person than the death of the whole party.

Source: The African Executive Magazine-Nairobi.