Saturday, 27 June 2009
Thanks section 90 (2) (b) to pass my budget
I am dreaming of being the minister for money Mstaafu Mkulu. This is why, hereunder, I’m revisiting my budget that sailed through thanks to section 90 (b) of the one-party-made-potholed constitution of Bongolala.
I thank Lord. For my budget’s attracting many people who liked it so as to propose I take over after his Excellency finishes his performance. Let me note pointedly. The MPs that bayed to humiliate my budget were themselves humiliated.
Though those who do not know economic-and-reaping matters trashed my budget for nullifying tax exemption for NGOs by offering tax holiday to coconut oil, they missed a point. All is done in order to cope up with economic depression the world faces currently.
Now I am walking thumbs-up thanks to presenting a historic budget. Where else have you ever seen Tshs. 19/-bn set aside just for tea and yum-yum?
Our budget is crystal clear. If compared to those of other countries, one will see the rationale. In other countries, no dime is set aside for drinking water let alone tea and yum-yum. Thank me for the billions set aside for tea.
Other countries anathematized use of shangingis or oil guzzlers. Like crazy, we’ve authorized the purchase of even more so as to make our people happy. And mark my words. This boosts the name of our country internationally.
Vote for us next year. You’ll see even more wonders. We promised better life for all. Setting 19/-bn aside proves this.
Our country is a born again one. That’s why the prices of cold drink and booze are up. This aims at averting the danger of alcoholism, committing sin major one being battering your wives. Also we did this to curb obesity resulting from quaffing too much soda and other sugary stuffs.
Scientists have proved: tea is cure. We thus, by drinking much tea, cure our bodies and the pockets of our tea growers. And this will help the government to garner more tax as it enters Guinness book of wonders.
I know. Protestants will cheat you that we’ve banned soda. To the contrary, you’re allowed to drink during functions and fetes.
Regarding alcohol, rich guys and rulers will sip it on your behalf. You know what. Even if they become intoxicated, they commit no sins and if they do, God and government pardon them. For, verily, they’re the anointed and chosen ones.
Common bin-Adams will only be allowed to sip liquor during next year’s campaigns. Verily, nobody can commit any sin at this time of transfiguration when common paupers become anointed ones like their rulers.
One thing must be underscored. My budget bans small bribes during campaigns. If you intend to offer say a T-shirt, khanga or beer, remember. Instead, one must offer a suit, a crate of beer, a goat in lieu of barbeque and what have you. On the same footing, those prone of offering lift as takrima beware. You are not allowed to offer lift save on plane not shangingi.
To make sure this works, I’ve proposed there must be offered EPA, sorry, bailout money. This will bail the waishiwa out during the campaigns. And to make sure this succeeds, we are putting simple proscriptions in place in order to enable them grab this generously free money. Given we are a born-again country; we offer loans at the rate of two percent despite loaning the same at the rate of 11%.
Don’t worry about where and how the government is to seal the hole. Value Added Tax imposed on rent and other items will serve the purpose.
To make elections successful, we’re intending to increase Waishiwa’s salaries and emoluments thanks for their cooperation despite having a few hardheaded.
As for teachers, we’re going to build houses for them wherever the school is. This is a preferential treatment after one goon drubbed. Instead of buying toys for kids known as laboratory equipments, we’ve favoured teachers. And regarding sitting on stones in the class, this serves to put sense in their heads that education is not luxuries.
Some people are baffled how MPs would pass the budget they promised to foil! You know what? When such shrewdness surfaces, you just tell speaker Six to invoke section 90 (2) (b) of our potholed constitution to put sense in their little heads as it happened recently.
By the way, who could trust politicians that spend most of their time in Bongo doing private business instead of living in their constituencies? When you tell them the president can disband the parliament, they shiver like babies. Money talks.
When it comes to issuing threats, Bongoans are second to none. But when it comes to living up to their words, hell no. they end up hunching. And had they stayed put we’d have reduced their emoluments. Did they think we don’t know they’re more paid than and MPs on earth for doing nothing and sleeping in the house? To jog their minds, even in rich countries their colleagues do not have chauffeurs, guards, garden boys and what not. They don’t even get salutes from military chaps like you.
Let me wrap up by advising our brethren in cloaks. Do you know why we nullified tax exemptions you used to enjoy and other misuse like TRA to print money till the head prefect saved your skin? You’ve been accusing us of corruption little knowing without it nobody would become a politician.
Time is over, may I submit?
Give me rouse applause even if you are furious for being forced to pass the bill.
Source:Thisday June 24, 2009.
Posted by NN Mhango at 06:42