Makinda: I love your style and stuff

Dear Anna,

I’m afraid. I won’t call you Anne knowingly that at the time you’re baptized such braggadocios weren't at work like now. Forgive me for carrying you back to those dark times of Alikwina. Anyways, this isn't the issue today.

First of all, take note. I adore you especially your style of doing things vis a vis keeping tabs on the opponents who want to disturb your peace. I've decided to write this epistle in order to show my accolades and support. So too, I’m writing to thank you for helping me to mau-mau my bibbers. If it weren't your style, true, I’d have had been in trouble longtime ago. Thanks dame for teaching me the art of bullying and mau-mauing the bibbers. You saved me. They wrongly thought they've the right to enjoy democracy. My foot! This shouldn't happen under our watch.

The other day I heard your nemeses complaining about bullyragging the house aka Mjengo. This surfaced when our own Kanywaji pub aka diet went berserk. You know what? We’re deliberating on bibbers’ private motions seeking to impeach me after bending some procedures and rules.

Guess what. Bibbers wanted to axe my deputy (Jobless Nduguy) simply ‘cause he speaks without thinking. Sick and tired of his jabbering and my bullying, they hatched a private motion. I shot it down forthwith. It wasn't the first or the last motion to be shot down. I've already felled many.

As this privately- tabled motion was going on, I, the speaker of the pub, tried to fell it. Wow! It’s as if I put my fingers in a state of ants. Again, this time I got a bitter pill. My deputy was booted down and no way would I help except to save my ulaji. All of the sudden, I heard the bibbers calling me Makinda, a kinda political tart and a Manchurian Candidate.

I heard them saying that evil people felled Mzee wa Kasi ya Viwango, Sam Sixx from manning the house professionally and competently. Bibbers were infuriated to the extent that they’re calling me names. I can’t repeat those names hither. Some of bibbers went overboard asking about my marital status especially when they got the wind that at this eleventh hour I’m still single. I just told them: go to hell like Joni Malicela once told his constituency in those olden days.

More on you, I heard them saying that you’re a creature-cum-product of mizengwe and that you’re inducted there to serve fisadi’s interests but not the interests of the hoi polloi as it is supposed to be. Some bibbers went a mile saying that you’re not schooled. I then asked them: When did education become an issue in our hunk especially when the one looking for the job is connected? I told them to direct their angers to the system instead of singling you out. For, you aren’t alone. I went ahead asking them if they’re aware of some other politicos in many ministries who were water-tightly implicated and Mr. Presider’s nary fired them. Their argument is that Sam Sixx is more qualified and experienced than you. Again, I asked them since when experience and qualifications have ever become a factor in ulaji in our hunk? The tipplers wanted everything to be done based on merit little knowing that such time is far gone.

Despite all allegations that you’re not schooled and that you’re the tool of fisadis and whatnot, I still envy your courage. I know even the opposing parties are saying that you’re bullying the house. Yes you’re. So what? Don’t they know that you a cadre of the bullying, sorry, ruling party? Regarding schooling methinks. To keep their mouths shut, just talk to one university abroad to offer you a PhD so that you can put them to shame. Yes dame, do so as soon as possible. Didn't you hear another dame in Malawi who’s recently offered a PhD that made her mad so as to want to spend millions of dosh to see to it that the title ‘Dr’ appears before her name? Even though honorary degrees are not titles for those who didn't toil for them, in our hunk it is an in-thing.

I heard some bibbers saying that what they’re saying was true simply because when allegations that you’re sponsored by fisadis surfaced you did not bother to deny or offer some explanations. I like the way you kept mum to avoid giving tongue wagers an edge a great deal more. What did they want you to say if at all allegations in our hunk have nary forced anybody out of ulaji? Did they think that you are birdbrained to delve into how you were appointed to run in lieu of Mr. Sixx? Who can throw rocks at vagabonds while living in a glass house? Who assaults arsonists while living in the grass house?

Gosh! They wrongly thought: your so-called masters-cum-creators and you’d clarify even if with far-fetched defence. They wrongly thought you’re a kinda chick they can bully little knowing you’re better at it than they are.

I know. You’re under enormous pressure currently. I thus have to wrap my epistle hither urging you to sit down with those guys and do the right thing before they show you the door. Vox Populi Vox Dei the sage has it. Again, I love your style of silencing the opponents in the house.

Source: This Day Feb., 11-17, 2013.