Get ready to have a boozer president

Though the adage’s that no news is good news, this time around I bring good news for all boozers in Bongolalaland. After the New Constitution Draft came up with ingenuity of allowing an independent candidate to run for presidency, rest assured that this time my name will be on the ballot papers come next general elections. Yesterday I drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and slept like a queen after the news was broken.

There are a couple of reasons why I’m running for presidency. Firstly, I found that politicians have failed miserably so as to force me into running for this mighty job where you eat free not to forget your friends and family members. I know. I’m not a politician. Again, being patriotic as I always have been, I’m the ideal person to save the hunk.

As an independent candidate, I’m intending to declare independence to the hunk that’s for long been duped of being independent while it actually depends on its former colonial masters. I mean. After ascending to the presidency, I won’t go cup in hand begging as it is today. Why should I beg while I’m president of the hunk endowed with all riches?

Secondly, I’m running just because the constitution has recognized the shortfalls in the current corrupt system of self-serving on the expenses of the boozers.

Thirdly, being more competent than winos we have in power, as a boozer, methinks I deserve to carry this cross so as to emancipate the boozers all over the hunk.

The following are my strategies to see to it that I scoop voters and become the one and only emancipator of this hunk.

Fourthly, I want to fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy that one day an unexpected boozer will become president of this hunk. Please, when I talk of a boozer I mean a real one. I don’t mean political boozers, thieves and wheel dealers you currently have.

To win your votes, I’m going to see to it that I man a very sizable government of only five ministers. So too, I’ll make sure that I don’t allow anybody or myself to spend your tax money on globetrotting. Even my wife who’s going to be your first lady won’t be allowed to accompany me in foreign tours unnecessarily.

So too, my wife won’t be allowed to form an NGO aimed at screwing you up. As for my children, believe ye me. They won’t be allowed to enjoy my power acting as small presidents just because they are president’s children like Riz and Mira. When I proposed these measures to my family, everybody went berserk.  My wife and children ganged up to see to it that they sabotage my plans of becoming president. Again, when I educated them about what befell Egyptian and Ivorian strong men, their wives and children, they conceded defeat. I advised my wife to go back to school. For, she’s an UPE teacher.

I can see you’re laughing. Don’t laugh. I’m not joking. I seriously intend to bring a new way of doing things in the office of president.

Forget about my family. Let me tell you why I’m the one and only fit to become the head of this hunk.

Firstly, I’m over educated with sacks of genuine PhDs. I’m not like those guys who forged theirs or those using honorariums to brag around. I think chaps such as Bill Lukuvi, Makorongo Mahanga, Emmy Nchimbi, Marry Nagu, Didace Makalio and many more know what I mean.

I also am handsome and beautiful altogether. To see to it that this succeeds, I’ll send my photos to professionals so that they can apply some photo shopping on them so that I can look younger ever. I too will be applying some hair 'blackeners' to keep on look young.  Important of all, I've a clean bill of health. Even when I drink or smoke a joint, I don’t fall like those who fall like leaves. I’m tough and I can tough anything out believe me.

Another asset is: I've my network that will help me in campaigning. The difference from other known mitandao is; Mine don’t spend any stolen money or takrima to win support. We’ll only sell our policies aimed at emancipating everybody. The bigger promise is to make sure that every boozer is empowered to be able to bring pilau, ulabu and other yum-yum on the table. I believe everybody likes swallow. If your religions promise you a swallow after dying and getting into the heaven, what’s wrong for me to make sure that you get all these goodies on earth before death? So guys trust me. I won’t rob your central Bank or indulge myself in Kagodamn and Richmonduli monkey biz.

To make sure I gain your trust, I’ll declare my wealth and that of my wife children and friends.

I’ll order all boozers to campaign in all pubs not in the houses of God like wachovu do. I won’t allow bed to bed campaigns. For it is a good source of miwaya.

Journalists are encouraged to campaign for me so that I can emancipate the hunk.  Make sure you attack my opponents even if it means to tell lies about them. Warning, I’m not going to award them some District or regional 'Commissionership' for this job. My duty’s is make sure that they’re no longer being hijacked and kibandered or mwangosed.

Also I’ll introduce my Mahanjumati, Lipilau and Onions (MLO) party. I’ll annul all districts and regions created for political-motivated reasons.

Folks, I've a hell of things to do. See ya.

Source: Thisday June 23, 2013.