I’m Uhuruto, Kyukalenji from Kenya

After thinking about running for presidency in Bongolalaland to no avail, I've devised an easy way of making it to the state house. Firstly, I thought of changing my name to Riz Kiquette so that I can enjoy economic and financial preference to no avail. As I was grappling with this desire-cum-idea, the window of opportunity opened in Kenya. I've devised a hi-tech trick.

Surely, this trick will see me through this time around. Read silently. I’m intending to change my name from Nkwazi Mhango to Nkwazi Bill Uhuruto arap Kinyatta. So too, I’ll change my tribe and become a Kikukalenji. This becomes a deal after learning how U-Independence Kenyatta won presidency in the country his father found and screwed. He’s now the top of his father’s private-estate turned state.

As I comfortably sip my kanywaji, I’m thinking like Kenyatta, a millionaire-cum-president. You know what. Bongolalaland is wicked. Nobody votes along tribal lines like in my new country. In Bongo, even if you’re from a super duper tribe nobody from your tribe votes for you. In Bongo, you can only make it easily to presidency if you've a good network aka mtandao and takrima or bribe. Bongolalaland’s politics, I heard one analyst during Kenya’s elections saying that are static. I hated this. But what would I do if this is how others see us?

Given that presidency for me is the only thing thanks to my new invention of changing identity, soon after being sworn in, I’ll see to it that I grab land so as to have the land the size of Tabora Region. For those whose land will be taken, shall be redressed through cobbling a union with other hunks that still have land that's up for grabs. So too, I’ll make sure that all important institutions, highways, roadways and whatnot are named after my daddy, mom and myself.

Soon you’ll have Nkwazi Universities, Hospitals, roads, airports and what have you. So too, you’ll hear of schools being named after my mom, aunts, sisters and nyumba ndogo. How does it sound to hear say Nkwazi International Airport or Nkwazi Airbase? I will change the  history of the world by making sure that even Mount Kilimanjaro is named after me. I know this won’t augur well for thinkers. Again, for tinkers who love me because we are from the same tribe, it’ll be a patriotic move. I’m planning to name the Old Bagamoyo Road after my boozing uncle.

What I like about the politics in my new country's the fact that there are yahoos  who are ready to die and kill for me. Again, things have changed. Instead of dying for me and make me face International Criminal Court (ICC), they’ll massively vote for me and avoid having a bad name resulting from such chaos and massacres.

I remember one guy that I adore hugely. This is Bassie Pesambili Mrambaramba who once told the Bongolalalanders to their face that he’d purchase a presidential jet even if it meant paupers to eat grasses. Like Joni Malicela, Mramba² told those who opposed his nugatory plan to go to hell. Like Cleophas Devie Msuya, Mramba² told detractors to carry their own crosses.

You know what. I discovered that politics sometimes is like madness. It blinds the minds so as to force people act and behave at their own peril. For Pete’s sake, how do you vote for a tycoon whose policies are clearly known to be making more money on your expense? Again, you'll hear such people in bondage laughing at others in a different type of megalomania such as systemic corruption and lack of changes.

If anything, political madness is another reason that geared me into inventing name change so as to become president in order to mint and print more money. After discovering that politics pays more than anything, I've decided to abandon my profession of boozing so that I can make a killing easily. I like politics. Whatever you do regardless whether makes sense or not, you’re paid handsomely. My friends the members of Mjengoni know this too well. Have you forgotten posho ya makalio or seating allowance? What of seminars on hoo-ha, ballyhoo and abracadabra? Presidency is more than that. It enables your family, courtiers, bootlickers and you to live in the heaven before you die. You globe-trot and spend as you deem fit. You tell no lies. Even if you promise empty promises nobody makes you responsible once it is known that they’re but empty ones. You promise paupers the heaven and give them the heck and nobody crucifies you.

Being president is next to being infallible. You err not. Whatever you do is praised and accepted even if it is unacceptable. Do you know why poverty swells every now and then while those in power promised goodies? It is because those guys are untouchable. They've the power. Whoever tries to question their ulaji and venality is being ‘Kibandered’ if not ‘Ulimbokered.’

Jokes aside, next general elections, my name will be on the ballot papers. Given that I've changed my name, surely, all people from my tribe of boozers (kikukalenji) must vote for me. They must do so knowingly that when I enjoy they too will enjoy. Given that news reached me that our land is now being given to illegal immigrants and illegal investors, being your president I’ll grab it and keep it for you. Mungu awape nini to have such a wise president in waiting like me!

Source: Thisday 8-14 April, 2013.