Soon I’ll mint dosh and become honourable

 

          After lecturing the Bungas of Bunguu la Katiba in Dom on how to do away from the bottleneck and found that they didn’t get it, I’ve nary thrown towel in. Like Jake Kiquette who’s soldiered on with turning CA tipsy turvy, I used all of my savvy in constitutional law to no avail. I laid down facts that cut through CcM’s fictions that three-tier govt’ll bury the union. Again, the sycophants, gung-ho and honchos of CcM didn’t get it.  Methinks you heard it. Some goons went as far as threatening others involving army takeover. Others used the army in a very bad light such as saying that the union celebrations were not for the union but for the army to showcase its bullying might. Acheni sanaa na vitisho. The army belongs to wananchi not walanchi.

 Some guys advised me to use my knowledge just like another Prof Ishia Shivji who’s hired by ruining party. I refused to make myself cheap like a prostitute, running with the hare and hunting with the hounds to have awesome time and dosh. Swahili sage’s it that glutton’s no friends neither does he have ethics but deals. My friend Prof Shivji, are you there?  What’s wrong with using one’s head to feed the tummy? Again, it is honourable for a person to have a heart in this situation.

I propose in my lecture that controversial union’d be scrapped. After finding that this was unacceptable I decided heart and soul to join them in the biz of minting and printing dosh in Dom. Differently from Shivji who I’m not intending to diss, I’m not hiding behind books or being ready to be abusively used by uncouth guys clinging unto ulaji even if they’ve become politically moribund and bankrupt. I declare that I’m going to Dom to make a killing. This move won’t change anything, if anything, regarding my stand of one state one govt. I repeat. I’ve decided to mint easy money in Dom.

If truth be told, let be known that I was motivated by the fact that you don’t need to think in Dom in order to make money. You don’t need to toil or boil your head to make dosh. You just display your ability in the game of unreasoning and abusing. If you’re good at unleashing salvos, innuendo, satire, abuses and lies, you surely will make a killing.

Let me do some rehearsals of how I’ll fire my weapons of mass humiliation. I’ll say, “Look at him. Fyata mkia before I destroy your pumpkin-like head. How dare you tell me to hide my tail? Go tell it to your mother. Don’t you know I’ve already erected my tail and I have given birth to three kids?”

To prove that I’m a maven, I’ll employ even French abuses, “Vous etes imbeciles comment les vaches et les camions et les escargots et quelque chose dans le pays. Vous etes les voleurs politique que je vais frapper moi-meme.”  I’m sure such French heavy abuses will paint me as a very capable politician. My abuses will hold water and entice the cabala of high and mighty that’s proved to have a heart of stone. I won’t tell them to have a heart for fear of denying me yum yum. I’m quite sure. I’ll even dwarf Mr.F*ck you aka Pita Serukamba. No doubt. My lampoons and insinuations will enable me to garner a lot of dosh.

Nowadays mipashoz pay more than taarab itself. After all you don’t need to have the whole crew of guitarists, drummers, cymbalists of all sorts and whatnot. You just need to open your mouth and make sure foams come out. So to, you need a mob of table bangers and that’s all.

Little bird told me that if I found that mipashoz don’t steal thunder; I’d apply lukuvism or Kombaism if not Kiquettism. You just issue threats of all sorts to see to it that you get away with it.  

I discovered that sitting and yelling allowances have been resumed through the back door. Those cheering my mipashoz will be paid dearly to see to it that we create many conflicts in order to lengthen the Bunguu la Katiba and make more dosh. I’m intending to form UKULA to challenge UKAWA. In Nyasa parlance this is known as delay techniques. You allege far-fetched and half-baked stuff. Once you find that they doubt you, just swear by licking your nose or calling all names of the great great great great grandma.

So too, I’m intending to go with my memsahib who is good at firing insults to me. Why’d she spoil her salvos and raise my pressure while she can sell them to the Bunguu la Katiba and make a killing?

 Given that the high and the mighty have proved to be good bugaboos of all hullabaloos, why’d I go and entertain them and make dosh? To get away with it I’ll take on Jose Waryuba so that I can be noticed like those who used him to become famous pointlessly. I’m leaving for Dom. Again, jokes aside, this way we’re destroying our own hunk with our own hands, hearts, minds and selfishness. Boozers need a new constitution not constipation and mipashoz.

Source: ThisDay May 5, 2014.