After the presidency of the hunk became an easy position any fella competent and incompetent can take a stab at, I, too, declare my candidature come next general elections. Given that urais umegeuka urahisi literary presidency’s become an easy job that enables its bearer to eat free and become rich quickly, what am I waiting for?
I've many plans for the hunk among which are:
Firstly, to make my wife a president of women and my kids presidents of kids while my friends and company presidents of making a killing.
Secondly, to make sure that all boozers are driving oil guzzlers due to the discovery of gas and other precious stones in the hunk.
Thirdly, to see to it that every boozer has a lot of dosh so as to stash much in Swiss Banks.
Thirdly, to make sure that my wife, friends and I tour the world to learn how things work out there. I don’t care even if some fyatus will call me Vasco da Gama or globetrotter. I want to represent the hunk almost in everything.
Fourthly, to make sure that everybody enjoys his wealth, I’ll annul the law that forces big people to declare their wealth. This’ll enable them to avoid being robbed and being hated by jealous people.
Fifthly, I intend to allow every boozer to do whatever he or she wants to do especially culturally. For instance, kigodoro and other hanky panky’ll be legalized in order to enable boozers enjoy themselves without any hunky punky as they leave me alone.
Why am I the one and only fits to become your president? First of all, I’m handsome. Secondly, I’m just a baby of 40 years. Also I did my degrees abroad after finding that the education system in the hunk is corrupt and bankrupt. To fix it, I’ll make sure that all school are demolished. I will build rap academies on their places.
Thirdly I’m two in one namely God’s choice and people’s choice.
Fourthly, I’ve a very noble and big name. My father was a prominent politician who wants me to take the baton from him to see to it that ulaji is always in the hands of our family. Apart from being a politico, my pop is a connected guy whose friends and base are helping me a great deal more. I also am going to use his network of friends and partners to see to it that we raise much dosh to defeat others. I’m assured of dosh for bribing voters and journalists to do my dirty laundry of making sure that all those who compete with me are bombed with smear campaigns.
I encourage voters to consider more the size and prominence of the name of the candidate than anything. I also urge all journo who want mshiko and employment in my government to come forth for the task. I've a lot of goodies for journalists and analysts who’ll take on my competitors. I've a lot of jobs in my party, state house and other appointments. So come one come all to do this noble job.
Fifthly, I want to make sure that I serve my hunk by enabling everybody to enjoy life. For, once I ascend to power, I’ll liberalize everything. I’ll allow everybody to do whatever he or she deems fit such as doing whatever biz be it drug peddling, robbing the hunk, selling one’s body, promising lies in politics, forging academic credentials and whatnot. My policy’ll be holela holela which means laissez fair or ruksa or do as pleased.
Sixth, to make sure that all of my family members, friends and partners are enjoying themselves. To begin with, my wife’ll form an NGO that’ll be known as Maulaji ya Wake wa Wakubwa (MAWAWA). Apart from making a killing, this NGO’ll solicit some funds and aids and spend them in my wife’s region. So too, my consort ’ll also run for high position in my party of Chama Cha Maulaji (CCM). My son’ll run for Member of Parliament to make sure that my seat isn't going away from our family. My other sons will make money using my power to see to it that the whole family becomes of millionaire in no time.
To seal a deal, I've already talked to elders, astrologers, clairvoyants, businessmen and women, judges, soldiers, clergy, tycoons, drug barons, and retired eaters who offered to help me to secure this crucial impetus of making dosh. Please, everybody vote for me so that I make you happy.
Source: Guardian July 2014.
13 comments:
Kikaoni walevi hatutaki porojo tunataka watu wenye maarifa na pia wameelimika.Kamwe hatutaki wasomi vyeti makabatini vichwani mwao maarifa hakuna. Karne hii tunahitaji maendeleo na siyo tabasamu na porojo. Hivyo Watanzania mnatakiwa kufahamu kuwa Mungu anasaidia pale unapojisaidia. Kura zenu ndiyo silaha kubwa kuangamiza maadui zenu wa maendeleo kama hawa. Tambueni hauhitaji kwenda kwenye mikutano ya hadhara kampeni kusikiliza porojo kwa wagombea wote wa C.C.M nchi nzima wakati wa kampeni. Hali ya Maisha magumu uliyonayo sasa ndiyo hotuba tosha ya kutumia rungu (Kura) ulilonalo kuadhibu C.C.M.
Msidanganyika na maneno ya kutishwa kuwa vyama pinzani kuongoza. Je wao walijifunzia wapi mapaka kuwapo madarakani. Sifa ya mpiga kura ni kumwadhibu kiongozi wa kisiasa anasababisha watu wake kutaabika kama ilivyosasa katika hali zetu za maisha ya kila siku ni kama jehanamu.
Anon umeua kiasi kwanmba naogopa kuongeza nisije nikaharibu. Ubarikiwe tena na tena na uendelee kuwa na mibusara kama hiyo. Kazi kwa walevi wapika kura ya kula.
Kikaoni walevi hatutaki porojo tunataka watu wenye maarifa na pia wameelimika.Kamwe hatutaki wasomi vyeti makabatini vichwani mwao maarifa hakuna. Karne hii tunahitaji maendeleo na siyo tabasamu na porojo. Hivyo Watanzania mnatakiwa kufahamu kuwa Mungu anasaidia pale unapojisaidia.
Naomba sikilezeni hii taarifa kutoka hapa kijiweni kwetu walevi wa kufikiri kutokana maarifa yetu sahihi. Watanzania wote Kura zenu ndiyo silaha kubwa kuangamiza maadui zenu wa maendeleo kama hawa. Tambueni hauhitaji kwenda kwenye mikutano ya hadhara ya kampeni kusikiliza porojo kwa wagombea wote wa C.C.M nchi nzima wakati wa kampeni. Hali ya Maisha magumu uliyonayo sasa ndiyo hotuba tosha ya kutumia rungu (Kura) ulilonalo kuhiadhibu C.C.M.
Msidanganyika kupikiwa pilau, khanga(Mama zetu na Dada zetu), fulana Kumbukeni hivyo vyote havidumu ni vya kupita isipokuwa kura yako inadumu pia achaneni na maneno ya kutishwa kuwa vyama pinzani haviwezi kuongoza Nchi. Mjiulize Je wao walijifunzia wapi mpaka kuwapo madarakani. Sifa ya mpiga kura yeyote yule ni kumwadhibu kiongozi wa kisiasa anasababisha watu wake kutahaabika kama ilivyosasa katika hali zetu za maisha ya kila siku ni kama jehanamu
Nasikia kichefuchefu natamani kutapika
Kwa lipi alilofanya hata alisema Kila akipita Watu wanamwambia agombee urais
Kwani hatujui baba alikuwa fisadi
Dada yake kaolewa na kigogo wa kampuni ya simu isiyolipa kodi na gelesha za misaada isyokwisha
Walikujua atakuwa naibu waziri dada kahamia South Africa. Bongo nitashangaa mkiichagua CCM
Huyu hafai Kabisa ametoka kwenye family ya skendo tupu
Baba yake alifukuzwa kazi ya ualimu kwa kumpa mimba mwanafunzi wake wa shule ya msingi
Cha kushangaza CCM bila kujali skendo za Watu bado walimpa madaraka makubwa kisa mdomo wake usio na tija.
Dada yake alikuwa kampuni ya simu isiyolipa kodi
Tunajua baba alipiga debe akawa naibu waziri kwenye wizara hiyo hiyo dada alikuwepo kwenye kampuni ya simu isiyo lipa kodi , na tuna tunajua sana
Atapiga wa debe na ma shemeji zake waisolipa kodi kununua kura
w
Watanzania aamkeni
Kama vijana chagueni waadilifu wapo wengi tu
CCM wanapenda madomo kaya
Hivi nambieni zee Kama Wasira anafaa Kuwa waziri
Juso lake linatisha hata mawazo yanatisha linalaa Kila kukicha bungeni na Spika hayaooni hayo
Ili mradi kasaini posho imetoka
Na kingine mtoto Nape shule yenyewe ya kuhesabu
Domo kaya lisilokuwa nini cha kusema
Hivi kahama mwananyamala
Najua wamempa nyumba masaki kwa mdomo wake ole wenu 2015 zote tutataifisha Kama 1967
CCM maharagwe ya Mbeya 2015
Niliipenda sana CCM
Lakini viongozi wake wengi 99% siwapendi hadi akhera
Wameleta shida na matabaka Tanzania
Sipendi Tanzania Kuwa Kama USA tofauti ya maskini na matajiri
Kila kukicha Watu wanauuwana
Mungu ibariki Tanzania mungu ibariki UKAWA
Tuleleteeni rais bora
Tunawashukuru Anon nyote hapo juuk wa kuzidi kutufungua macho kuhusiana na January Makamba. Mfano nilishasahau skandali ya baba yake. Je huyo mwanafunzi wa Makamba siyo mama yake January huyu? Hebu dodosa na kudurusu mmwage mtama hapa kuku wadonoe kwa raha zao.Hakika nawashukuru kwa michango yenu mulua ambayo si haba. Itawafumbua macho wengi waliokuwa wakidhani Januari ni mali kitu wasijue uoza mtupu.
Kama si mama yake January basi mwatumu
Baba yake kazuka kumtetea mwanaye
Eti ana Sifa na mwadilifu na si fisadi
Lakini tunajuwa yote haya
Tajiri ni Nani Yule mwarabu aliyekuwa mwaka hazina wa CCM na alikuwa mbunge wa Ingunga na mwenye kampuni au hisa ya simu ambayo hata mwatumu dada wa January anafanya kazi South Africa
Mkapa alisema kweli Watanzania ni wavivu wa kufikiri
Kanga, fulana na misaada ambayo hawajulizi kwanini tunapewa sasa na kwanini
Kweli wengi wa Watanzania ni mbu mbu
Haswa wale wanaochagua CCM
Mangula huyu aligombea uewenyekiti licha ya Kuwa katibu mkuu wa chama hawakuchamgaua
Leo kawa naibu mwenyekiti
Alianza na vishindo
Lakini wamenyamazisha alikuwa aakiishii bunju
Leo kapewa nyumba masaki nyumba za serikali wakati si mtumishi wa serikali
Kanyamaza kimya wala hasemi kisha pewa mgawo wake
Lakini nyumba hizi Chonde Chonde UKAWA wakiingia madarakani tangu ya mkapa hadi makarani tutazirudisha
Kwanza asilimia 100 Hawana Sifa za kuishi huko
Wana family zaidi Watu 20 nyumba nyumba 3 zinatosha
Anon umesema na kusikika. Hata hivyo, ni bahati nzuri kuwa Mkapa aliposema kuwa watazania ni wavivu wa kufikiri naye hakujisahau. Maana uakiangalia madudu aliyotenda chini ya utawala wake bila shaka ndiye alikuwa kiongozi wao katika uvivu wa kufikiri. Mangula hajawahi kuwa msafi ikizingatiwa kuwa ni miongoni mwa waasisi na watekelezaji wa EPA iliyomwingiza huyu kichwa cha kuku madarakani.
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